We cover plenty of serious affairs in The Siren, but we also like to have fun. We also know you procrastinate, so we’re going to start some Top Ten lists to amuse you in that well-deserved break you take after the exhausting task of writing the title and your name in the header of your assignment. Page numbers next. Gather your strength.
So, let’s start with this month’s ‘celebration’. Halloween. It’s fun, right?
Not according to co-editor Natalie. Here’s a list of the top ten things about Halloween which annoy the self-confessed human version of Grumpy Cat.
1) There’s punctuality. Then there’s being so early they’re trick or treating when it’s practically still Easter.
“Trick or treat!” you hear as you crack open the door on October 27th. While you’re at it, give me a Christmas carol? It’s November 1st in a few days after all.
2) This is a STUDENT home.
What do you mean you want sweets? I’m a student. Bear in mind I’ve just had to list my kidney and my hamster on eBay for these Parma Violets you ungrateful little worms.
3) We’ve forgotten what All Hallow’s Eve actually is and where it originated.
Something to do with the birth of baby Pumpkin?
4) The same movies. Every. Single. Year.
Group of teenagers run around. Angry DIY store worker chases them with chainsaw, doesn’t have a name badge but apparently everyone knows him as ‘Jason’. Followed by a movie centred around a group of teenagers getting chased by a guy in a stripy jumper with a crap manicure.
And it’s not like you can even hear the film anyway. The army of Frankenstein children are at the door again and they’re still hungry.
5) ‘Sexy’ everything.
Women’s fancy dress costumes. ‘Sexy’ witch. ‘Sexy’ pumpkin. ‘Sexy’ Scissorhands.
Look, kids. You’ve cleared my cupboards of KitKats. You want a quid off me? You’ve got more chance of getting a hand-delivered £100 cheque from the tooth fairy.
7) Clubbing on Halloween night
I thoroughly enjoy not being able to get to the bar after queuing about 3 miles up the road wedged between Count Dracula, Super Mario and a ‘sexy’ hot dog. Oh, good…they’re playing Thriller by Michael Jackson. I’ve only heard this 40 times so far tonight.
8) Pet costumes
Look, I love my Labrador. Marley has a very special place in my life. I always make sure he has presents to unwrap at Christmas and a doggy advent calendar so he does not feel socially excluded.
However, even I won’t go as far as dressing him up as a glow-in-the-dark skeleton and parading him around dark roads.
9) Bobbing for apples
Why do I want to ruin my make-up for a ferociously-tongued apple in a bowl full of water that people have gobbed in when I could grab a perfectly edible Golden Delicious from the fruit bowl?
And who goes to a party for the fruit? “BOYS, WE GONNA BOB FOR APPLES.”
Said nobody. Ever.
10) Eau de Rotting Pumpkin
Don’t get me wrong, I love pumpkin carving. My arty side delights in carving pretty designs and then lighting them up on a dark and autumnal night.
My nose does not delight in the odour of pumpkin death leaking all over my windowsill three days later.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE*
by Natalie Ann Holborow.